Sex Tip #11: Perhaps Don’t Sleep with a Married Man

This has been a difficult post to prepare.

I have a few other things I wanted to write about, but this one seems to have taken over my brain.

I know Holly’s story about adultery. I know what she wrote in here. I know what else she told me about it. I understand the context. I don’t judge her for what she did. Part of me doesn’t approve of it. Part of me understands it. She knows how I feel about it all. All my conflicting feelings.

Being a divorced person is an interesting cross to bear. Particularly in a Christian community. My relationship with Barry is working for what it is. And for that I’m grateful and happy.

But I don’t know how I would deal with being in a marriage and needing to get out, like Holly’s situation. So I don’t judge.

But in the end, I called this sex tip not sleeping with a married man. Perhaps. I say perhaps because I’m mostly sure it’s wrong. And I think I’m informed about it and not just speculating.

And the funny coincidence…maybe not so funny is that my informed state comes from Keats camp, which is sort of connected to Holly’s situation.

So. The story. Holly has convinced me it’s worth telling.

Some time before I went to church with no bra on I went to Keats camp for an event. The nature of it isn’t relevant. It had couples and singles and more than a few divorced people and divorced people who were remarried.

I met a woman in one of the workshop groups. “Patty” had 3 kids, in her mid-thirties, married to “Frank” for almost 12 years and was a relatively new Christian with her Frank. She was also a deeply funny person. Amazing sense of humour. But she also was lacking an ability to be open and honest. That came up in the group. There were 5 women and she and her friend shared insights about each other. Quite open in that sense, but never really for her was there anything that she would share about herself of substance.

And that was ok in the end because we’re all strangers. But her friend kept remarking on how hard it was to get anything from her.

Anyway that was most of my impression of her. Frank I quite liked. A gentle guy who played ice hockey 3 times a week. Yay. He knew what physicality meant but he was also an emotionally aware guy. Not lots of them around. Generally quite happy but in the end only mostly. Missing something was my sense of him.

So a number of us exchanged email addresses and stuff and we thought about meeting a few weeks after the Keats event for a chat and an update on issues we talked about there.

Nothing came of that. Good intentions but that was it.

Then a few days after I went to church without a bra [which has become a kind of marker separating events for me this summer], Frank emails and we start chatting about things: work, life, church, parenting, but not marriage. A few emails go by and I’m enjoying this, but I’m thinking, what about Patty? A few more emails and he gets to it. He’s thinking he’s unhappy but he’s blocked in figuring it out.

We meet after work one night for a glass of wine and start talking about things. He’s a bookeeper and works late a lot and I feel like the other woman. He’s also a transit guy too and we take the #20 back towards home. I get off first to connect to my bus and before I stand up to go, he puts his hand on my knee when we’re saying bye. Not overtly. Not meaninglessly either. Felt nice. Tingles even. I liked that. But I also felt guilty. For good reason.

Then a few weeks ago when summer has definitely given up trying to actually be here, we meet again for wine after work. We talk some more about all the safe topics and then he gets onto the place I figured he was at: out of love with his wife and 3 kids. He is showing some sadness but I know he’s hiding much more sadness because maybe we’re in a bar.

I ask if he’d like to come over to talk more. Yes. Cab ride. Home. A bottle of wine opened. And after about 10 minutes he’s just letting it all out. So sad at it being dead for him. And he gets quiet into a funk.

I never liked hockey players in high school. Frank’s no hockey player, but he plays hockey. That kind of thing ran through my head a lot that night at the bar. Totally off topic, but it was the issue of what I think of him kicking around in my head. Underneath it all was being available for him as a person, but I also wanted to have sex with him. Never consciously in my head, but always in between the lines.

And in his funk I put my hand on his knee and he puts his hand on my hand. Then on my knee. Then on my shoulder and we’re kissing. Then it’s on my breast and mine is on his crotch and from there we’re having sex on the couch and I loved it. Duh.

I didn’t cum, but he really did and pretty briskly. He hadn’t had sex in weeks and weeks he said. I could tell. He masturbated a lot but he hadn’t fucked his wife in so long. A sexless rut that was more than a rut I thought.

After the sex we just hung out on the couch doing the cuddle thing while he played with my nipples. Eventually I got him hard again and we fucked again until I came. In the end it helped that his finger was in my bum when we were in the doggy position. I wanted to come so badly because if I was having sex with a married man I wanted to at least feel some joy in it and for all the time we were doing it and I didn’t come I wanted to. And I started getting anxious about it. Go ahead and psychoanalyze that. Good luck to ya! 🙂

And then we broke it off. He emailed the next day and said he wasn’t sure we should do it again. I emailed back saying ok. I’m also talking with Holly about it and she’s easing my grief/guilt. But the next day he phones and comes over on the Saturday afternoon and we fuck some more. And then again this past Saturday afternoon.

And as it is now, I don’t want to stop because I like how he does my bum. I like how he sucks me and I like the illicit nature of it all. It’s a mad rush.

But I also feel bad. He’s in charge of his marriage, but I’m truly the other woman. And the biggest thing, though I’ve talked with Holly about this, I haven’t talked to Barry. And I don’t have a real sense of why. We’re not exclusive and we’ve been with others since last winter, but I just don’t want to talk to him about it. Maybe I’d feel ashamed around him? Don’t know. He’s not one to judge so there’s no risk there.

Maybe it’s my conscience. But until I figure it all out, the sex tip is to not sleep with married men.

In dreams,


Sex Tip #4: Divorced Christian Fuck Buddies

Divorced Christian Fuck-Buddies

So after a whole semester away from the blog, here’s something new. Yes, I’m still alive. And kicking! 🙂

So I had a nice email back from a friend/acquaintance over the Christmas holiday. I sent out an email with some recent festive pix and a big hello. I haven’t done one of these for years so it was fun. I even sent it to people whose emails I haven’t seen traffic on for a while too. That also was fun.

So a woman I knew in Vancouver a few years ago–I’ll call her “Tina”–replied with some nice comments and her new phone number. So I skyped her and we had a few long chats, mostly about relationships and Christianity, my obsession. And she’s cool with this all being in here. Way to go, Tina, since that’s not your real name!

I knew Tina at a hopping Pentecostal church I went to sometimes when I first lived there. It had a nice sound and a moving feel for young people, even though there were lots of older people there too. Anyways I got along well with several young people though I didn’t stay there long. Tina was a lot like me, though a couple years older. She was real short and transformed it well socially making herself a kind of centre of things. She was happy to hear that when I told her that on the phone; it’s true though. And being like she was, made others [like me] feel comfortable and included: included isn’t something that’s always a feeling at a new church. Too bad. Anyways, she is short like me and has short red hair and a body quite a bit like mine. Long lost sisters maybe 🙂

Tina was fun. We chatted in the lobby a few times and sat together at a couple after church restaurant visits when I met her husband “Saul” who played acoustic guitar in the church worship team; he was a real tree-hugging artsie flake–I liked his style. In the end I made it to one of their parties too; a good bit of fun if really mellow.

So it turns out that since I saw Tina last, she had gotten a divorce. Her man had a lead on a good job with a touring evangelical team. She didn’t want him to take it because it meant I think 5 months away from him unless she broke the bank and met him half way through in Winnipeg or something. He went. They spoke on the phone.

By the time he came home, he said he wasn’t sure they were meant to be together, for all sorts of reasons which all sounded quite minor and like excuses. That’s fine I figured because whatever it is it sounded like he didn’t want to be with her. She said it took her about a year of being separated to get to a place where she accepted that about him too and she gave him a divorce. She got their 1992 Civic and half of their $2800 in savings and called it a day.

And at that church was another couple. “Barry” and “Annie”. I never met Barry, but I knew Annie. She was out at some of the lunches I went to. She is basically Andie MacDowell except with red hair; notice the pattern. A total long-legged babe and sweeeeeet as you can imagine. Total heart of gold.

Anyway, in early December, Tina gets a call from Barry. They’ve gotten divorced. He asks her to go get a coffee to catch up. They hit a ‘bucks and spend like 3 hours getting to know what killed each of their marriages. Barry’s story was way better then Tina’s. Not that I’m comparing, but I am. His story is that while she liked sex, she was virtually totally against anything “strange”. Even things like blindfolding or bondage. That wasn’t the total thing but it reflected a thing where she was totally into living a straight and really really really narrow life without any real variation or expanding of herself. She was done, complete, crafted by God and in His groove. And I can understand how she’d feel that, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be able to live with a person like that. Not that they’re boring, but they’d bore me. 🙂

And Barry said that in the year and a half that they’d been apart, he had gone to Wreck Beach a few times and liked it: the freedom of nudity. Hear hear! And he rented some racy movies [tho he said porn was boring to him] and enjoyed sex within art. And he had had short, like 1-2 week, relationships with girls and even had sex with them. Not THAT big a deal for me, but a big one for him. But he found it satisfying, but didn’t keep up with those girls because they had things that annoyed him. But he said he has since gotten over being bugged by petty things.

Anyway, their coffee was good fun and they clicked and caught the Bond movie at a matinee a couple saturdays ago and then he calls her up to go watch a hockey game, one of the Calgary games [I think Vancouver played Calgary like 4 times in the last couple weeks] at Jeremiah’s on 4th and Alma [or Lama, if you’re cool]. That’s a really good place to watch hockey, especially if you can get a good seat upstairs. Great martinis too.

So by the third period they’re a little gooned and thinking about dessert. I can’t remember if the desserts there are any good, but Tina goes “I have some Boston cream pie at home that needs to be eaten or tossed soon.” And she invites him back for a snack. He says yeah and she goes “and there’s other things for you there if you’d like.” And he goes “what kinda things” and she goes with a martini grin “what would you like?” and he’s like “quite a bit.” So she says “like what?” and he goes “I’ll tell ya but you gotta pay the price first.” And the price he says is that she can’t be wearing panties if she wants to hear it. And the martini blush, she says, multiplies by 2 and she’s off to the can to remove her panties. She was wearing a long yoga skirt for the global warming deep freeze that seems to have grabbed BC this year. And she goes back to the table, and lets him look in her purse to see the delightful garment.

I must say I was pretty impressed when Tina was telling me this stuff. Not that Pentecostals can’t be randy, but wow, they can do it well.

So she goes “Well?” And then the dirty talk starts. Yay! He’s like well I’d love to have some cake, I’m sure it will taste good, but I’d also like to taste your nipples and your pussy and suck your magic button and taste your creamy insides and make you cum and then fill you with my cock so I can fill you with my cream. That kinda thing. I didn’t take notes on the phone conversation but it covered that. 🙂 And of course Tina’s a fan of all this, she says, having been totally celibate since before Saul went on the road. Though she did admit to some shower solo sex, but it’s just not the same thing, now is it!

And so they go home to Tina’s place. In a cab cuz Tina’s gooned and won’t drive and Barry’s gooned and finally sold his Lexus [I won’t judge him for that, owning one in the first place] before Christmas way too long after his divorce required him too [oops] so he didn’t have a car anyway. Whatever. Anyway, they go home and had a good time.

I love girl talk. And whoever says girls don’t kiss and tell has been lied to or is hanging around the wrong girls.

The cab ride home [like 5 minutes] was good for Tina. Barry sat in the middle and was rubbing her thigh nicely, with the occassional roam up to her hip to enjoy the lack of a panty strap.

They get to her tiny apartment near Jericho that I had been in that one time and she’s in the total tiny kitchen that fits like 6 adults standing. Too small to swing a cat. Totally. She’s got the pie out of the fridge and is going about cutting it up and he glides up behind her and starts rubbing her shoulders. She goes mmm and he rubs his cock on her bum and with one hand on her back between her shoulder blades, rubbing, he pulls her what seems now a realllllly long yoga skirt up so he can rub her bum. And Tina’s thinking like, are we gonna make love here, right now? yes yes yes she was saying in her head but it turns out no. He rubs her bum, slides his cock on it [he’s still clothed], then reaches around to feel just how wet she is. Slippy clit she called it. And then he went to town on her finger fucking her. And when she was close to cumming he turned her around and sucked her the rest of the way. NICE guy i tell ya. Good for him.

And then they had pie and red wine. Too cool.

And after a while of hanging out and talking about the new Bond and the hockey game and not having STDs and how she’s in the ok part of her cycle to not worry about birth control, they hit her bed. Hard. Naked in a flash she sucks him off and doesn’t swallow; I won’t judge her for that. 🙂 But she told me a neat story about this. Mostly when she was sucking him, she was thinking of her ex-husband who didn’t want her to take his cum in her mouth, but to pull off when he said he was cumming. She always did and always wondered about not doing that. She also said he had a thing about masterbating in the shower with her where he got off watching her play with her nipples and when he came, he would cum on her belly and try to get it up to her nipples so she could rub it on her nipples. That sounds pretty nice to me.

Anyway, Tina enjoyed blowing Barry and she let his cum spill out of her mouth and onto her breasts, which she liked, as it was familiar. And after more playing around he asks if she’d like to be tied up and fucked. And surprising herself a bit she says yeah and with her scarfs he ties her hands together and each foot to the legs under her box spring cuz she has no head board or foot board. And he puts a pillow under her bum to prop up her pussy and he eats her out. And after she cums [she said she bit her lip when she did, nice blood taste], he slides inside her and fucks her. A thin cock, but long enough to get her high up in that happy place. And with her hands tied she is still able to play with herself and touch him. A nice time for her first time in bondage.

And after he came, he wouldn’t untie her. She asked but he said no. She didn’t pull out their safe word [Iginla!] but she asked why and he said he wanted to play some more. And he sat her up and got under her and let her slide her pussy over his cock and they just played together and hugged and touched each other for a while.

They had a really good time. And she talked with me about how much she liked him and how much she enjoyed playing with him and vice versa. But at the same time she wasn’t really in a place where she wanted anything serious and she didn’t want this to be a one night thing. So they’ve gotten together a few times since then to play and explore fantasies and stuff. One was fascinating for her, and I can relate because it deals with the sodomy taboo. The morning after their first night, he asks if he can fuck her from behind. She’s never done that [yikes! tragic!] and says yeah but not in her bum. He goes ok, but then starts asking her about her bum and saying he thinks she’d like it and really wants it and she keeps saying no, not in the bum and he’s like ok, but continues going on and on about doing her bum. She said she never got to a place where she thought he’d actually do it, but she really liked how he kept talking about doing it, all while she got on all fours and he slid in her from behind. Just the idea that he might pull out and try to put it in her bum was a huge thrill for her. And it turns out he’s never done it either [and would probably do a bad job at it]. And when he came, he pulled out and came in between her cheeks and did a good job of rubbing his cock in there. THAT felt good she said. So she thinks she may do some bum play in the future.

And I told her what I thought of it all. I was happy she was enjoying sex again, beyond just by herself. And I told her that Barry sounds like a pretty swell guy. And I said that if she doesn’t feel like a relationship, that fuck buddies or friends with benefits can work. And she hadn’t heard those terms before. And she agreed with that concept and that ideally she’d be married, but she wasn’t at a place for that now. And less than ideally, she’d be in a relationship with someone she loves. But that’s still too serious for her. But short of that, she agreed with how I describe fuck buddies, that sex with someone you like and respect and likes and respects you can be a positive, healthy thing. With or without the bum being penetrated. 🙂

So I learned something new about divorced Christians and their more pragmatic way of living. I wonder if it’s kinda related to having been…not jaded…but affected by imperfection in life. That with Christians we are always shooting for the ideal, which is good I think, but that the reality is that we don’t hit it. And healthy fun sex may then have its place in our lives whether we’re married or not. Divorced or not.

Comments? I’m sure some of you will have some.

In touch,